The commonly held view by many, seems to be the notion that there is a Soul-Mate waiting for each of us somewhere in the world, and if that connection could be made, then all would be well with our world. The Soul-Mate couple would go through life in perfect unison, guiding and protecting each other against the unpredictable, harsh world, living happily ever after. The relationship itself would be perfect; with each knowing the others needs, thoughts and feelings.

There is no doubt, that this is a very attractive and compelling idea, and many of you may not wish to look at any possible downside to this belief. One of the problems with this romantic ideal is that you may be encouraged to form rather shallow and impermanent relationships in the quest for that all-encompassing ‘perfect’ one.

Romantic encounters often follow a set pattern; Having experienced that initial "chemistry" in the heady early days of a liaison, there is a point when awareness starts to develop in one or both of you. The reality may be that the relationship is not perfect and that each of you is largely incapable of reading and clearly understanding the others thoughts and feelings. Further awareness may well lead to the realisation that in fact you each view the world in quite different ways. You are two individuals with quite different experiences, conditioning, expectations and perspective’s on life.

The dawning of this reality can result in reaching a critical point in a relationship, where you might find yourself in a dilemma. This is not the Soulmate of your dreams, the one that understands you perfectly. In such an ideal relationship misunderstandings and disagreements do not occur. In addition the outer persona of the person you were attracted to, may in fact be quite different to the inner one you have started to discover.

Looking back in disappointment at the dreams we had about this being the one, we may be tempted to give up at the first hurdle, rather than go on, to find out where the journey takes us. It could be argued from the Soulmate theory perspective, that negotiation and compromise should not be necessary, as he/she should love us exactly as we are. Our Soulmate would not put us into the position of feeling uncomfortable or having to examine ourselves in this way, as most of us are compelled to do, when disagreements and misunderstandings raise their ugly heads.

The alternative to giving up at this early stage may be to start negotiations. To try to understand each others expectations and needs and find out whether it is possible to make the adjustments necessary, to deepen the relationship. Most of us are looking for a feeling of contentment and satisfaction, while also maintaining some measure of romance, individuality and excitement. In short the experience of relating will be enticing and irresistible at some level, if it is to continue. Obviously, if this is not what is found in the exploration, it might well be the right time to release each other and go your own way.

I would like to put forward the notion that a certain level of differentness of the other in relationship, although possibly frustrating at times, may also be the key to the mystery of the relationship and its longevity.

I put forward the notion that in order to form a perfect relationship, we would have to be perfect ourselves. However, I would argue that as humans, even though we each have the capacity for perfection, few of us realise this in our lifetime. So if this is the case, why should we expect our relationships to be perfect? I believe that one of the fundamental purposes of life is to evolve personally on many different levels and one of the best ways of doing this is through relationships of all kinds. This will mean finding ourselves in situations at times that force us to examine ourselves, hence inviting or allowing us to make appropriate adjustments in our perceptions, as our awareness grows.

Without the Yin and Yang, the positive and negative, the opposites, perhaps the attraction bond could not be sustained for significant lengths of time. So deciding to continue a relationship with someone who you see as being different from and separate to you, but who you also find tantalising and mysterious, may well be an experience that you will find both enjoyable and frustrating at times. Those inevitable occasions when misunderstandings take place or feelings are hurt, may indeed be the ones when you grow substantially as an individual, especially if you are prepared to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and how they impact on your partner. The process of trying to balance our own and our partners needs and expectations is indeed difficult. This may sound like a juggling act and in reality it is. It may also be painful, as you may be forced to realize some aspects of your personality or ways of relating that might be seen by others as problematic. Through this experience, if we are prepared to look at ourselves, we may truly discover how we impact on, or are perceived by others. The inner idea of who we are may indeed be quite at variance with the way we portray our selves. This having been bought to our attention then allows us the choice of whether or not to make any changes in ourselves, in order to improve or maintain the relationship. From a purely Personal Development perspective, such changes may also result in allowing us to simply be more authentic and understanding of our own and others true nature..

I would imagine that all of us would expect to grow and develop through life experiences. Many of us would also reluctantly have to admit that the biggest times of personal growth often occur during the most trying periods of our lives. At these times we are forced to look to our personal resources, reconsider and possibly change our perspective on life, if only a little at a time. This often turns out to be very positive for us in retrospect. If the Soulmate theory as stated here is true, we would not be challenged in relationships to examine our motives, actions, thoughts and behaviours. This would in fact mean a stunted growth for our well being and personal growth.

However, I am not advocating never giving up a relationship. If it is damaging to you physically or emotionally, or if the discord has reached an uncomfortable level and the willingness by one, or both, is not there for further negotiation, then the relationship has probably reached its natural end. Ideally the people concerned may walk away from it without resentment but with a deeper knowledge of themselves and human nature in general. This enrichment may be taken to future relationships and becomes an important part of our personal development.

Compatibility, what is that?

To some it might mean the idea of the Soulmate. Someone who likes most of the things we like, so that there is rarely a disagreement in what to do, or how to do it.

However, perfect compatibility, if this is what this is, may lead to a level of predictability over time, that though cozy at first, may become quite stifling for the individuals concerned later on. This sort of relationship may become insufferably boring, as it lacks challenge or discovery.

However, extreme incompatibility, in being repeatedly attracted to a particularly damaging type of personality, is a very interesting and common scenario. In this situation there is likely to be something in the psychology or conditioning of the person concerned that needs to be experienced or learned about themselves through such relationships. It may be that these difficult relationships somehow fulfill at least one need in that person that was not fulfilled during their development. Until that need is recognized and dealt with, it is likely that this pattern of attracting the wrong type will continue. Once this is recognised and dealt with, it is possible to be free to make the changes that might alter their patterns of attraction.

Perhaps the Soulmate idea has become so popular at this time because of the high divorce rate, in conjunction with the development of the throwaway mentality of our times. Many of us promise ourselves from an early age that we will have much more balanced and meaningful relationships than our parents had. However once we realize that we have fallen into similar patterns of behaviour, we often decide to get out of it rather than work it out and change our patterns of behaviour and perception. The Soulmate theory delivers an instant remedy for an age that demands instant cures for all problems and would rather get the latest model than spend time and effort repairing the old one. The danger is though, that many of the present generation are in danger of missing some wonderful opportunities of relationships, that with some TLC could be rewarding.

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In short, relationships are an important part of being human. The chemistry and romance involved in attraction, as well as the ensuing coming down to earth and having to negotiate and make decisions about how to relate, is all part of our human experience. The lack of predictability in human behaviour and the way that each couple can create a unique relationship, of variable duration, is in fact very exciting and opens up many possibilities for us. In addition, relationships expand our horizons through experiencing the interests of our partners.

For those of us, who do not have a life partner, the journey of discovery of others and self, through all types of relationships, is very rewarding, if only the Soulmate theory can be put to bed where it belongs, along with other destructive Myths and Legends of our times.